Where do I start? I know it's been a while since I've written. Life never ceases to amaze me. It is incredible how things change in a moment. A second. How blessed we are to live this life. Yet, it is so complex, surprising, and humbling. This is what I know now: No matter what, we are not alone. Yet, no matter what, if we are not content with ourselves, we will always feel alone. I'm talking in a philosophical light I suppose, but that's just the way I've been thinking. I think about actions and experiences. I question their genuineness, and sometimes, I'm just not sure. I think, "How could I have been so wrong?" Or, "Is it that I knew it wasn't right from the beginning but just didn't want to listen?" There is ALWAYS that voice inside ourselves, our gut instinct, our intuition, that gives us an immediate reaction. How difficult is it to listen to?? It is for me. Maybe I'm weak. Maybe I am not yet mature enough to handle my instinct. Maybe I'm just a hopeless optimist. This is yet to be determined....ok. enough soul writing. How does this mind set affect my teaching?
There is a good and a bad...as always. The bad is that I am quick to 'snap'. It is hard to put myself in my student's shoes because I'm so wrapped up in my own head. The good is that I end up being extremely compassionate. I feel for my students and am able to bond with them in ways I have only dreamed of. One reason I wanted to be an educator is to build relationships with students. I've always hoped my students could trust me. Share their thoughts. Understand that THEY are not alone. In all the wackiness my life tends to lend, I know this is the person I want to be for them. These past 2 weeks have given me hope in trusting my gut. I've had amazing, intimate conversations with students. They have trusted me with their biggest fears. They have opened up. They have reiterated why I am in this position. I love my students for this. I love my profession for this. I am hopeful in my career. Maybe this hopefulness will bounce back into my personal life. I have to believe it will. Otherwise, I am becoming a nun...
ok. That's a bit extreme. However, there is some truth to this feeling. After being in Chicago for 8 years, I've had a love/hate/love relationship with this city. I've dated, dated again, revisited, and dated. I'm a Wisconsin girl who has worked her ass off to get where she is. There are many women in this city that have done the same. Why are we still single?? I have a theory. I've written another article that I really think can get published. It deals with dating in Chicago. Dating in a big city. It deals with Chicago-meninitis. Yes, this is a term I've coined. Yes, it's cheesy(hence the Wisco girl). Yes, there is truth to my theory. Yes, I want to get this damn article published. I'm not saying what I have written is profound or 'new', but I know that other men and women can relate...at least that's what my friends tell me...and my mom. Anyways, since I've been single again(no it wasn't a long relationship, but very 'jump with both feet in'), I've been thinking and writing. Writing music. Writing articles. Writing a 3 part harmony arrangement of "The Star Spangled Banner"(see Jen Eberhardy). Writing all the time..well that's an exaggeration, but writing more than I have in 3 years. Rambling is not my fortay, but these are all issues that have caused me not to write on this blog. I was embarrassed. I was shocked. And I was pissed.
However, I have regained composure. I am diving back into what I love the most. Music. I've written 2 new amazing songs and will be recording again. This is a work in progress, but progress is happening. I haven't even thought about recording for so long. Why!? Truth: I wasn't inspired. But! I am now. I am so excited to even have the opportunity to record and write and sing my own music and get back to another avenue that I've always loved/hated/loved. It's very cool to feel confident again in my writing and musical capabilities. Yes, my life experience has lent it's hand in this. But my passion for music and inspiring people will always be my gut instinct.
I hope everyone who takes the time to read this post knows how grateful I am. You have all inspired me to keep writing. To not give up. And to stay positive and motivated. Thank you.
