Since I've been so busy this week, I thought I'd share a few thoughts now. I knew this week was going to be tough. My first full week. Then I had monthly girls night...(this time we did mani/pedis...not to take away from our other nights of painting wine glasses or playing Apples to Apples, along with many libations to boot!) I had to take a class on Child Abuse...what a downer. Then Friday came. I got on the bus almost to school. I knew I was avoiding something...oh yeah, it's Dave's birthday. I could no longer contain my tears and cried all the way to school. I cried in my classroom. I tried not to think about it, got through the day and left. But wait!! I had to work Friday night too. Yes! Something else to keep my mind occupied. Now, I sit here, with writing to occupy my head but I still think of Dave. It is amazing how our minds play tricks on us...'Maybe if I try not to think about it, my head will just move on'...it's working! Then the mind says, "AH HA!! Gotcha! You can't escape me that easily!" To clarify, I would never want to escape the thought of my brother. But I would like to escape the thought that he isn't here. When I think that thought, I get so overwelmingly sad. That thought consumes my head, heart, and body. It makes me stop in my tracks. It makes me forget what I'm doing. It makes me angry. Confused. Upset. Sad. Horribly sad. Anxious. I hate that thought. How can I learn to love it?? Well, I'm still working on that one. But, this blog of sorts has been a savior. I am able to write about things in my life that are important. Teaching, Family, Home, Friends, David.
This next month has and will always be the hardest of the year. This month between September 16th and October 16th. Knowing what October 16th brings is the worst ending to a story. To a life. I want so badly to find hope and goodness in it, but it's just so hard. I miss my friend, brother, and partner in crime. I will never let us forget him. I made that promise to him the day I saw his body in the casket. Really certain he was gone. The day our lives were a little less full of life. We struggle with this. And we get better. Learn to cope. Learn to be happy and live again. Learn to reach our goals. Learn to be a teacher. Learn to be a musician and leader. Learn to love others whole heartedly. Learn to be compassionate and emphatic. We learn and we keep going. But that one little thought will never go away. It will never change the snowball effect of emotions...Anger. Confusion. Upset. Sadness. Horrible Sadness. Anxiety.
I know we can all take these emotions we all know too well, and come together for a greater purpose with them. We, as alive human beings, can do something that is bigger than ourselves. For each emotion, there is a positive opposite...Happiness, Clarity, Contentment. Delight. Enlightenment. Calm. This is what I strive for. This is how I try to turn my emotions around. This is what I try to bring to my classroom. This is what I struggle to project and feel on a daily basis. This is what needs to happen for all of us to become better people. I love each and every one of you for taking time to read my thoughts and hope you can take something away from this.
Next week is nearing and I am going to be courageous with my emotions. I will be brutally honest to those who care to listen. I will be open ears for those who wish to speak. Have a great rest of the weekend...I didn't have to time to edit so excuse any mistakes!!
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